The Most Important Things

(*Note this post is intended for humor. Do not get offended.)

I still have this love/hate relationship with twitter. I just can’t seem to break out one way or t’other (t’other = hymnal for “the other”, kind of like o’er = hymnal for “over”). Some days I really enjoy reading nuggets of truth or anecdotal factoids about the people I follow. Then there are those other days. The days that are filled with people begging to be re-tweeted, lists of all the church services they are having and off-doctrine, deep, spiritual sayings (my favorite).

The problem with twitter really isn’t 140 characters. It’s the millions of characters who twitter. I have had to unfollow a number of well-known people due to the fact that what they were saying was just wrong. Either it was just a constant feed of service info (which I could get from their website) or it was really bad “revelation.” I don’t think that every spiritual tweet a person sends out needs to contain something like this: I don’t want to eat my lunch, I want to eat HIS lunch! (That’s not an actual tweet but it’s pretty close to some I have read. Also, I understand english grammar. When you capitalize “His,” in mid-sentence, you are referring to God. There’s no need to make it ALL CAPS.)

I found a great top 10 list that summarizes what I think about twitter: this guy www.leadingsmart.com says it better than I can.

Here’s one of my favorite quotes from his top 10 list:

“Don’t tweet a message to one individual. That’s called email or text message. Tweets should be for the majority of those who follow you.”

Thank you for saying that!

I like twitter, theoretically. I like it’s short format and soundbite-esque quality. But I am continually on the fence, in regards to it’s usefulness. I follow a number of people. Some are consistently interesting and some are consistently lame (I usually drop those people). Here are a couple of my pet peeves about tweets: (don’t get mad at me, this is just my personal opinion)

1) Trying to create a christian movement on twitter. (Everyone hash tag WWJD!) Nobody’s gonna get saved by that.

2) Telling me about how your life is better than everyone elses. I am so happy for you. Are you asking me to be jealous about your life? I don’t really agree with that theology, neither does the bible coincidentally. If it’s a praise report I will be the first to celebrate with you. If it’s you just sounding off of your undying love to someone or something or idolizing your life… that’s just not very interesting.

3) Constant re-tweeting or quoting. I like quotes as much as the next guy, in fact, you’re probably just re-tweeting a quote I just posted.

4) Always talking about where you are going to eat. We get it you eat a lot. Maybe that’s why America is obese!

5) Christian cussers. Seriously, get some self-control over your mouth. No more “freaking”, “dang” or “crap”. Idle words are still going to be judged according to Jesus.

Those are just my top 5. And at one point or another I have been guilty of those as well. So, why would anyone use twitter at all? Well, I like things that actually ADD VALUE TO OTHERS. It’s not just a “this is what I am doing now” outlet. Is it something hilarious? Is it something really deep? Is it an image that is one of a kind? To me that adds value or at least a laugh. Now, I understand that some of the previous peeves may actually fall into the “add value” category. But always tweeting the same thing is boring. Who watches the same rerun all day long? That’s why I added the “to others” clause. Will this tweet really add value to others?

Of course, that brings up another question. How do YOU define “value”?

I have found that talking on the phone is the most useful for two types of people: 1) those who have nothing to do and 2) those who have way too much to do.

The first group calls everybody they have in their phone. Most of the time they get the voicemail and leave wandering, pointless voicemails. On the oft chance that someone happens to answer their phone call, they begin to rant about nothing and everything they have done since they woke up at noon. This usually consists of: breakfasts they had, noises their car is making and voice-mails they left on acquaintances phones. This group is constantly “upgrading” or switching phones and plans. They seemingly have an endless amount of 2 year upgrades and happen to meet the nicest sales guys at the kiosks. Their closet is stacked with hordes of old AC cords, screen protectors and neon flashing antennae. The phone is their utility belt upon which their world hangs! (And, I might add, your voicemail box is full b/c of them.)

The other group, the way-too-much-to-doers, are constantly talking on the phone. This becomes useful to them because, since they are sooo busy, they can “work” from anywhere. In the car, in the grocery store line, ordering meals; they do it all from the convenience of their bluetooth tumor growing in their ear. They keep most of their phone conversations brief and to the point, sparing cordiality and social norms. They constantly preface their conversations with, “hey, I can’t talk long…” or “I am on the other line and need to make this quick…” Then they proceed to fire off random tasks and ideas. They have mastered the phone. They have the supernatural ability to switch between phone calls faster than Clark Kent can change into Superman. Meanwhile the rest of us are trying to figure out if we want to: ignore, hold call and answer, ignore and end call, end call, do an irish jig and answer call, press “1″ to instantly combust phone or “2″ to delete all information in the known world. They love their phone and when they drop it (which happens often due to frequently being on it) it only works better. And new functions get added to it. “Hey I dropped my phone and now I have access to multi-million dollar contacts” or “I just dropped my phone and it got faster”. Their phone is a temp agency constantly awaiting their every beck and call!

There is, also, a third group. This mysterious lot are the ones who have phones because society demands it of them. Their phone is their arch nemesis. Constantly ringing, drowning their productivity. It chimes and all of their muscles tense up. They know they shouldn’t look at it because they must be working, but what if SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT was being texted to them? The people in this group live enslaved to their phone. They want to turn it off but fear that someone might call them to go out or invite them to the latest social justice event. They drop it and it is always irreparably damaged. They go into the stores and never are up for their 2 year upgrade. They pay full price for phones that work half the time. Oh! How they loathe the cell phone. It stares at them all day long. Taunting them, begging them to decrease productivity and make pointless phone calls and texts. And when they do…their boss walks by and catches them! Foiled again! Their phone is kryptonite that has been sewn into the fabric of their life. It constantly weakens them reducing them to mere mortals!

Remember that last group the next time you talk on the phone or leave a voicemail and say a prayer for those whose phone rules over them with an unwielding hand.